Here I am again. It is 3am and I can’t sleep. My head hurts. I think too much.
Following another disappointment, I’m again asking myself why I keep putting myself out there. I have been asked this a lot. ‘Why not just do what you do for yourself and let that be enough.’ Well, first of all, I do do what I do (writing, painting, poetry) for myself. I delight in finding something special in the ordinary, those moments that give heft and contrast to my life. Having done that, I then want people to see what I see, hear what I hear etc. Oft-times it’s beautiful, light, ephemeral; sometimes it’s emotional, dark and painful; most often it means something, I gain perspective, or express how I’m feeling in that moment.
I have been reading a book ‘Special Moments’ by the American artist E. John Robinson. I love his seascapes and landscapes. In the book he talks about how we are part of nature and can be uplifted by nature; how we are part of nature not its master or superior. I too feel that thread of connection and revel in it.
E. John also talks about why he thinks creatives feel they must put their work out there, let me quote something that resonated with me…
“…But with all our insight, all our visions, we cannot keep it to ourselves, can we? Our obsession with creativity is matched only by our need and desire to communicate it to others. Perhaps that is why we are artists. We must tell our dreams, our visions, and we need recognition. We paint, write songs, poems, novels; compose symphonies, carve blocks of wood and granite and marble; then we must standby anxiously while others without our isights pass judgement upon our efforts. No matter; that is the way of artist and patron but it brings us face to face with a critical choice: to whom do we direct our creativities and for what purpose? Under what exalted icon do we place our offerings to be blessed?What shale our God? Public opinion? Income? Prestige and fame? Or is there a higher ideal?…We must paint first for ourselves…” and later “…No matter that we are never quite satisfied! That is a given and a good sign…’
I found it reassuring that others much more talented than myself grapple with this question also.I suppose I will keep doing and questioning why I do. I can’t help it. I suppose I want to share a little of myself with all of you out there, and must take criticism on the chin for doing so.
Early, early mornings are my time for contemplation. It’s been nice talking to you. Ciao for now Rosa.